Dog

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been mistaken for Channing (Magic Mike) Tatum. I can’t tell you because it has never happened. Even at my youngest and in my best physical condition, I didn’t look anything like this square-jawed, athletic male model. (But I am a half inch taller.) He is perfectly cast in this film, though his acting is a bit forced at times. But cut him some slack, he’s on screen with a dog.

 

Dog is Tatum’s directorial debut. He clearly had fun with the role of Briggs, a veteran Army Ranger suffering from a traumatic brain injury. His old captain will have nothing to do with his request to make a crucial phone call attesting to a full medical recovery, unless he goes on one final mission – bring an equally emotionally traumatized dog, Lulu, to the funeral of her recently killed “Dad,” Ranger Rodriguez. There is a Rodriguez subplot.

 

It is clear that Briggs has not fully recovered as we witness him routinely popping pills and experiencing a couple of seizures before and during the road trip. Parallels have been drawn between Dog and the movies K-9 and Turner and Hooch. Those are sillier films and don’t deserve the comparison.

 

Lulu is not a German Shepherd. She is a Belgian Malinois, (A Belgian Shepherd) allegedly the healthier of the two breeds, but not recommended for people lacking experience with dog training. The heavily muzzled dog is a beautiful animal, but terrifying to look at or interact with. But being an Army Ranger gives Briggs the courage and determination to complete his mission.

 

One caveat: the mission is scheduled to end after the funeral with Lulu being euthanized, deemed too difficult to handle.

 

This is a buddy movie on several levels. The Ranger allegiance to other Rangers, one veteran to 

another, and ultimately two traveling companions on a road trip from Oregon to Arizona, with stops along the way to visit their respective “families.”

 

The opening song by John Prine laments, “How lucky can one guy get?” It’s a heartwarming introduction to the coming of age late in life by a guy who is the poster boy for how disastrous one guy can seem.

 

It’s uncertain why Q'orianka Kilcher has top billing for brief, non-speaking appearances as the mother of Briggs’ three-year old daughter. She played Angela Blue Thunder in Yellowstone.

 

Carry some Kleenex for the end of this adventure. I won’t say any more. We hugged our dog when we got home.

 

Dog (2022) runs 1 hour, 41 minutes and is rated PG-13

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Jackass Forever

I considered not reviewing this, since doing so is a confession that I saw the movie. Also, I am not easily offended or grossed out. As disgusting as I find the Jackass franchise, this movie just left me shaking my head and looking at my watch.

But here we go with a brief summary of this appalling waste of time and money, a nightmarish series of vignettes populated primarily by penises, scrotums, vomit and electric shocks.

 

This particular brand of physical comedy, if you can call it that, certainly has a loyal following. It’s just sad the world has gotten to a place where this is offered up as entertainment. But wait, how is this surprising given that this is the same culture that lofted a crude grifter to a position where he can actually ruin everything?

 

The stars of Jackass all play themselves, under the sadomasochistic tutelage of Johnny Knoxville, a guy who early on must have realized that people were actually watching America’s Funniest Home Videos for the clips where things go wrong and people get hurt. He no doubt was a fan of ABC’s Wild World of Sports not for “The thrill of victory,” but for “The agony of defeat.”

 

Regarding the film itself - it is poorly written, filmed and edited. There is no acting, just a bunch of morons so hungry for fame they’d do almost anything to achieve it. Sadly, they sort of succeeded. And fans will like it.

 

So if you like farts and feces, pig semen, violence, graphic male nudity and slapstick taken to an entirely horrific level, then this film’s for you. But don’t for a second think that this is something to aspire to. This is what losers look like.

 

Ironically, parents in Texas are banning books they find offensive for honest portrayal of LGBTQ relationships. Do they know what’s being shown at the local theater?

 

 

Jackass Forever runs 1 hour, 36 minutes and is rated R. 

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Moonfall

I apologize for not writing this in the car on the way home from the theater. Precious moments make a difference when trying to save readers two hours and the cost of a movie ticket.

That said, we have the worst film of 2022 in the can, and it’s only the beginning of February. I am going to spoil this movie in every way possible. If you can’t resist the tempting previews, go into it for the laughs, or perhaps as a drinking game (which would require viewing at home of course.) Terrible line – take a shot. Impossible feat of engineering – take two.

 

I can’t blame the actors for delivering horribly written lines. That should be pinned directly on the screenwriters. But Halle Berry is better than this, though she seems to have a track record of making bad decisions off screen. Her Oscar win for Monster’s Ball should have made Moonfall an obvious bad choice. Either the paycheck and starring role were irresistible, or she needs better representation. Did she read the script? Did her agent? Her character’s name is Jocinda Fowl. Really?

 

Likewise, Patrick Wilson as disgraced astronaut Brian Harper does an admirable job of working with a bad script. He’s a very recognizable face with a busy acting portfolio of films, but perhaps better known on Broadway. Here he’s piloting a little spaceship through the bowels of the Moon, like Luke Skywalker in the famous Deathstar scenes.

 

Consider the following:

 

“Everything we understand about the known universe has just changed,” says Berry, straight faced. I laughed out loud.

“We have to kill this thing!”

 

A brief pause, then she picks up the cell phone on an Earth being torn to pieces. Somehow cell towers are unaffected. She then gives her four-star general ex-husband orders not to nuke the Moon. And he listens.

 

There’s an elapsed time problem throughout Moonfall. Events move from one to the next in jump cuts that could have merited making this an eight part limited series on Netflix. Instead, the audience is hurtling through space and time, much like the gravity-wave-generating Moon, headed out of its forever orbit toward Earth – in three weeks. I mean, let’s get right to it. And what is a gravity wave, other than a cool plot device for the graphics department?

 

At this point I have to mention that I know at least one real person who believes in a conspiracy theory that we left the moon and never went back because of aliens, referencing a two minute audio blackout that, of course, was a deliberate NASA cover up. I don’t know if they also believe that the Moon is a “Megastructure” built around a white dwarf star that serves as its engine, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised. Otherwise, why would the Moon be precisely the right size, and the correct distance from the sun to produce eclipses. Why? Tell me!

 

The special effects and video graphics teams had a field day with this film. It’s actually fun to watch in that regard, however stupid the reasons for what’s colliding, exploding and being sucked into space. This is simply a disaster film, and as 3D rendering has become more powerful, more ludicrous scenes are possible.

 

Eventually, running on two rockets (“It’s not possible!), the Endeavor space shuttle is retrieved, covered with obscene graffiti, from an L.A. museum and escorted to a launch pad by military vehicles that bulldoze anything in their way. This alone would take years to pull off in the real world.

 

Our hero, one of them, pilots the shuttle to the moon, then an orbiter/lander down a bottomless hole in a crater to the Moon’s hollow center (remember, it’s a megastructure), a spinning gyroscopic series of concentric rings that were home to an alien species, long gone.

 

The moon is defended by a morphing nanobot artificial intelligence, kind of a squid-like metallic malevolence. As Harper awakens in a scene reminiscent of the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey, face to face with a holographic “construct” of his son as a child, he is told that, wait for it, the “aliens” were actually our ancestors, who created megastructures to populate the universe, but managed to create an AI that became self-aware and turned into Squid-bot, killing them all. Nice going, ancestors!

 

Enter our second hero, the reluctant astronaut, a chubby conspiracy geek with irritable bowel syndrome and crippling anxiety, who first discovered the Moon’s decaying orbit. He blows himself up, but is “scanned” and turned into another construct in the white-lit room. His cat, “Fuzz Aldrin” is with him – for eternity. And he’s excited about this.

 

Earth is saved. And ruined. But it’s a fresh start, and I’m so happy there’s no possibility of a sequel.

 

 

Moonfall (2022) runs far too long in a galaxy much too near. (Two hours, PG-13)

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The King’s Man

If you’re a fan of the evolving Kingsman franchise, be warned: this film is far more serious than the previous two features - Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014) and Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017.) Those satires were raunchier, more graphically violent and had an entirely different cast, with Colin Firth in the lead role.

The latest adventure could accurately be categorized as creative non-fiction. It is also an origin story, depicting the creation of the Kingsman organization in the early 1900s, and establishing the Kingsman tailor shop as the entryway to their oh-so-upscale and super-secret headquarters.

I love bookshelves with built in hidden doors. I want one.

Ralph Fiennes plays the Duke of Oxford, a reborn pacifist forced to confront a promise made to his dying wife when she was caught in crossfire during a military skirmish in 1902. The Duke’s son Conrad witnesses her death, is protected by the Duke’s manservant Shola (Djimon Hounsou) and then sheltered by the Duke as World War I is about to break out. Conrad has other ideas. Ever supportive Polly, the Duke’s housekeeper (Gemma Arterton) serves as surrogate wife, potential love interest, and eventual founding member of the Kingsman.

Therein lie two powerful subplots in The King’s Man. Woven into actual events, populated by characters out of history books, the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand in 1914 ignites a global conflict, cascading through events and personalities of the era. We soon meet Grigori Rasputin, the Svengali-like monk and manipulator of the Russian Romanov family. He is portrayed with wonderful creepiness by Rhys Ifans. Even Dutch exotic dancer Mata Hari (Valerie Pachner) has a blackmail role in the eventual decision by President Woodrow Wilson to enter the war.
 
This is one of those films that has you saying, “That was good!” upon leaving the theater. There was plenty of intrigue, was well-acted and had heart-stopping stunts and action sequences. So many films have been made depicting the real-life events and people threaded through this fictional script, we feel familiar with many of them, and yearn to crack open a history book to learn more.
 
Director Matthew Vaughn is already planning Kingsman 3 and a possible sequel to The King’s Man prequel. We’re wondering where he’ll take the King’s Men (and women), all code named after King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. Very fun stuff, and with this film, somewhat educational.
 

 

The King’s Man (2021) runs 2 hours 11 minutes and is rated R.

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King Richard

I couldn’t help but compare this story to that of Rocky Balboa, knowing full well that the iconic boxer was fictional, and Venus Williams is not. And that’s what makes this biopic so incredible. Yet, the title character would (and did) have a problem with the use of that term. What’s incredible about a young tennis prodigy taking her first strides toward greatness at the age of fourteen? That she’s black and “straight outta Compton?” Well, yeah, there’s no getting around it. The odds were stacked against her, and that’s where Richard Williams gets credit for creating a bootcamp-like environment for all five of his daughters.

The Williams girls, Venus (Saniyya Sidney) and Serena (Demi Singleton) grew up in the 80s and 90s, when Compton, California was at its worst, the gangsta rap crucible that produced the likes of Dr. Dre, rap group N.W.A. whose album “Straight Outta Compton” inspired the 2015 movie of the same name about life in “the hood” and on streets controlled by the Bloods and Crips gangs. This was the era when Rodney King was mercilessly beaten by police, secretly recorded, and the catalyst for riots in Los Angeles.

 

Will Smith is Oscar-worthy for his portrayal of Williams, a self-taught tennis coach who claimed to have written a 78-page life plan for daughters Serena and Venus before they were born. His relentless pursuit of an improbable dream is fully supported by his wife Oracene, played by Aunjanue Ellis. She also taught herself the game, but focused primarily on providing a superlative educational and spiritual environment for her five daughters, three from a previous marriage. 

 

As wife to a man so obsessed as to be nearly deranged or self-sabotaging at times, she is the check valve and mirror in the relationship, refocusing on the needs of the girls, not just the dreams of the man. And while she is an ardent feminist, both parents endure and struggle against the racism, gang violence and judgement of peers, neighbors and a tennis community that is about as pearly white and privileged as any sport ever has been.

 

The results speak for themselves. Like Rocky, Venus goes the distance, and both girls become the “Michael Jordans” of the game. A fictional script that proposed this plot line would be hard to believe, but we’ve all been along for the ride as witnesses to the ascension of two sports legends, and sisters to boot.

 

The acting is great, the tennis is exciting even if you’re not a fan, and the rather long film seems much shorter. Messages of privilege and racism are a bit heavy handed at times, but they need to be. Like other period pieces, the look back at a time not that long ago can often be cringe-worthy. To emerge, humble superstars from an environment in which tantrum-throwing infants like McEnroe and Connors dominated the sport, and cheating was “just part of the game,” is a testament to the success of the Willams’ parents tough love.

 

 

King Richard (2021) runs 2 hours, 24 minutes and is rated PG-13.

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Clifford the Big Red Dog

If you spent much time reading books to your kids (I hope you did), you likely included a few about Clifford, the Big Red Dog. First published in 1963, over 75 titles sold more than 129 million copies in 13 languages. The character also spawned a PBS series with the late John Ritter voicing Clifford.

In a nod to the late beloved author, Norman Bridwell, a main character in this movie is named Mr. Bridwell, proprietor of a somewhat mysterious animal exhibit in a tent that’s “larger on the inside” much like Dr Who’s Tardus. That’s where Bridwell, played by 82-year-old John Cleese, pairs Emily Elizabeth with an adorably animated little red puppy.

 

The animation of Clifford is amazing. Only occasional moments look unnatural, but the eyes, fur and most movements are those of a playful puppy, very reminiscent of my daughter’s English cream golden retriever, George, who is now a big white dog. Throughout the film I had to remind myself that the actors were interacting with something that wasn’t actually there.

 

So, the movie is cute and corny. As a PG film for kids, how could it be otherwise? But the action is almost non-stop, the topic of bullying is tackled head on, and the positive underlying message that it’s ok to be different strikes a much-needed chord of inclusion in these divisive times.

 

Darby Camp plays Emily. She’s been acting since she was a toddler and already has an impressive little portfolio, mostly in TV appearances. Isaac Wang, as Owen, has a secret crush on Emily and plays a cute as a button rich kid with some serious computer skills. His own resume is only two years old.

 

Jack Whitehall plays the scatterbrained uncle, Casey, left to babysit Emily just as Clifford arrives on the scene. The two of them try to hide, then contain, Clifford to no avail. And of course, a villainous corporate type wants to capture and study the giant dog to jump start his failing superfood company.

 

This is a deliberately silly movie, perfect after a steady diet of murder and mayhem that seems to permeate most current offerings. There were lots of kids in the audience, along with parents who explained much of what was happening, but clearly enjoying the chance to share in the fictional adventure on screen.

 

If you need some mind-candy, a break from the evening news, and a chance to step back a couple of decades and visit a big old red friend, this works nicely. The only way it could have been improved would be as a Christmas movie. Timing as a holiday release was already on their side.

 

 

Clifford the Big Red Dog (2021) runs 1 hour, 36 minutes and is rated PG.

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Eternals

How ironic that a movie called Eternals should feel eternally long. The decision makers at Marvel felt that fans are willing to invest almost three hours getting acquainted with the new cast of characters they hope will carry their superheroes into countless individual and team mega-hits, a new franchise within a franchise. I’m not feeling it.

Before seeing this movie, you should know a few things. It takes a while to explain the comic universe created by Jack Kirby and Stan Lee. It would take a college course to trace their history as collaborators and their creations. Maybe this will help you with this latest film.

 

Beings known as Celestials, who pre-date the Big Bang, are led by Arishem. They brought light to the cosmos, created the stars and planets, and spread life throughout the universe. In order to create more of their kind, they seeded planets upon which a critical mass of sentient life is required to initiate the “Emergence” of a new Celestial from its embryonic state. To ensure that no apex predators suppressed the sentient population, they created Deviants, so named because they betrayed their creator and began killing everything. That’s bad for an emergence, so the Eternals were created to battle the Deviants. 

 

But wait, aren’t the Eternals then helping the Celestials destroy worlds and all beings who live there? Yup, and several of the Eternals have taken a liking to Earth. Not only that, but in a previous Marvel story line, Thanos destroyed half of all life on Earth (The Snap) and then they came back (The Blip) at the end of Avengers Endgame. Bringing back half the human population after an absence of five years left survivors reeling, along with the global economy and geopolitics. It also restored the sentient critical mass necessary to birth a Celestial.  Therein lie the conflicts and the reason for a whole bunch of battles throughout this film. No good deed goes unpunished.

 

If I have any of this wrong, Marvel fans, forgive me. Yours is a deep and complicated obsession with superheroes, superpowers, good and evil. Now, on to the problems I had with this film.

 

The Eternals showed up on Earth in a Lego, a chunk of green granite countertop shaped like a piece of pizza. They arrived in Mesopotamia during 5000 BC. They buried their ship (the Domo) under the sands of what later became Iraq and embedded themselves in a variety of human cultures. I guess that explains why they all have different accents, but are essentially mythic gods from the past. Angelina Jolie does a lot of standing around looking cheeky and blonde in an outfit that both accentuates and hides her now almost fifty-year-old body. She plays Thena (“Drop the A," she says.) In fact, all of the Eternals are sporting form fitting gear of different colors and designs, and they do a lot of standing side by side in a row to impress upon us that they are…The Eternals.

 

The movie flips between current day and various points in history to explain how The Eternals protected and advanced human cultures. A character named Phastos spends much of his time inventing game changing technology for the humans to embrace. At one point he shows off his new steam engine and is forced instead to only introduce the plow. The humans aren’t ready for steam power. But the pride with which he shows off his steam engine leaves you wondering how he arrived on a flying granite pizza. A steam engine?

 

A redeeming character is Kingo, played by the always funny Kamail Nanjiani. The producers allowed his humor to be a highlight of the show. Most of the other characters were rather lackluster. Gemma Chan as Sersi seems to invoke her robotic Mia character from the show Humans. And why did Salma Hayek take the role of Ajak? Her appearance was mercifully short.

 

Deviants are the usual dragon/dinosaur sinewy, snarling, hungry monsters. Nothing new there.

 

And if all of that wasn’t enough, we find out that Harry Styles will be playing Eros in a future film. Having turned down the role of Prince Eric in the live action Little Mermaid, I guess he had his heart set on being a superhero.

 

Some effects in Eternals are spectacular. Others are rather clumsy. Early battle scenes between a Deviant and Thena look cartoon-like. And Arishem is big, red, scary and has a voice like Barry White, but really comes across kind of flat.

 

Possibly the most intriguing thing in Eternals came during the closing credits. A series of images, artifacts from a variety of cultures, beautifully photographed and highlighted in gold light strands, suggest a connection between the “gods” in the Marvel universe and the subjects within human artwork through the ages. They were obvious inspirations.

 

There were several references to the Avengers and a couple to Thanos. That was the extent of the continuity between series. This movie is all new. I miss Ironman.

 

 

Eternals (2021) runs 2 hours, 36 minutes and is rated PG-13

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Dune

If you haven’t read the 1965 novel by Frank Herbert or watched the 1984 movie by Director David Lynch, you might be expecting a Star Wars style SciFi film when you go to see the updated Dune. The fact that George Lucas was inspired by Dune is readily apparent but doesn’t change things – this is nothing like Star Wars. It is serious and cerebral, great science fiction.

Herbert was a master world-builder, a refined skill among successful Fantasy and Science Fiction authors, including Isaac Asimov, J. R. R. Tolkien, Neil Gaiman, J. K. Rowling, George R. R. Martin and Terry Pratchitt. The inspiration for much of Dune comes from Islam. So this movie, which is very true to the book, is sociologically complex, richly detailed and believable, despite being set in the year 10,191 in a universe populated by warring factions of humans.

 

The story follows young Paul Atreides, of the House of Atreides, as he chooses one of three paths into his future. His mother Jessica, a Bene Gesserit witch, played by Rebecca Ferguson, and his father, Duke Leto (Oscar Isaac), each have their own ideas. A third path begins to emerge in Paul’s dreams, enhanced by the rare and valuable “Spice,” mined on the desert planet Arrakis. Control of the Spice trade has the attention of the Emperor, ruler of the Imperium and the known universe. A big job, and a mysterious, unseen presence thus far in the Dune saga. As with the half dozen Dune books, this tale cannot be told in a single film, so the 155 minutes devoted to this introduction is only chapter one.

 

Spacecraft, battles, sets and costuming are all spectacularly realized in this version of the Herbert classic. We are even introduced to “The Voice,” an obvious inspiration for The Force.

And then there are the sand worms. These ubiquitous monsters travel below the surface of the sand as if it was water, emerging to swallow giant machinery or whatever else attracts their attention, in giant whale-like gulps. They are reminiscent of the creatures in the film Tremors.

 

But the native inhabitants of Arrakis, the Fremen, have not only mastered life on a waterless world, they worship the worms, and we get a brief clue that they have learned to ride them.

 

This is a very slow, dark film that may not appeal to those who aren’t already fans. But the cinematography and special effects will have you tasting sand and running to concessions to quench your thirst, because, well, that’s better than recycled sweat.

 

Dune (2021) runs 2 hours, 37 minutes and is rated PG-13.

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Halloween Kills

Spoiler alert, in case you don’t know what to expect from this movie. After all, we’ve been on this bloody journey since Michael Myers first started butchering people in 1978. That year a cute new star by the name of Jamie Lee Curtis became famous overnight as Laurie Strode and has been battling the same monster for 43 years. Now it’s difficult to tell whose face is more frightening, the much older Curtis or the William Shatner mask worn by Myers. 

The Jamie of 2021 reprises her 2018 role as grandmother to Allyson, played by Andi Matichak and is clearly having a bad hair day. It is noteworthy that Matichak wasn’t born yet when this film franchise established the Slasher genre and spawned eleven sequels. The last film left Michael trapped in the basement of Laurie's burning house while she is rushed to the hospital with a terrible knife wound to the stomach. End of story, right? Not a chance. John Carpenter and Curtis teamed up as producers on yet another story, one that apparently never ends. In Laurie Strode’s final soliloquy, she paints a future in which there will always be a Michael Myers, a monstrous metaphor for fear and evil:

 

 “I always thought Michael Myers was flesh and blood, just like you and me, but a mortal man could not have survived what he's lived through. The more he kills, the more he transcends into something else impossible to defeat. Fear. People are afraid. That is the true curse of Michael.

It is the essence of evil. The anchor that divides us. It is the terror that grows stronger when we try to hide. If they don't stop him tonight, maybe we'll find him tomorrow. Or next Halloween, when the sun sets and someone is alone. You can't close your eyes and pretend he isn't there. Because he is.”

 

Several of the original stars are back in this film. Nancy Stephens as Marion, Kyle Richards as Lindsey and Charles Cyphers as Leigh Brackett. Also in a lead role is Anthony Michael Hall, member of the John Hughes 1980's Brat Pack. His film career in Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, National Lampoon’s Vacation and Weird Science eventually led to multiple appearances on Warehouse 13 and The Goldbergs. This, as he aged and became only vaguely recognizable as himself. Here, he plays Tommy Doyle, the baseball bat leader of a pitchfork-and-torch wielding vigilante mob that goes completely out of control in fictional Haddonfield, Illinois. The line “Evil dies tonight,” is chanted repeatedly, a hospital is overtaken by pursuers of Michael Myers, and Laurie Strode rips out her IVs and injects herself with a giant dose of painkiller from a carelessly discarded syringe and vial. She has just come out of surgery to repair her gaping knife wound, and if this film wasn’t a B-movie parody up until this point, it quickly becomes one.

 

Along the way, a gay couple who call each other “Big John” and “Little John” terrify trick-or-treaters on the porch of Michael’s childhood home. The entire town is aware of this house’s history, so living there is really an issue of poor judgment. Michael is leaving a bloody trail of bodies on a path leading directly back to this house, and the “Johns” are appropriately and horribly dispatched. The hapless town sheriff loses control, sits in stunned silence, and some confusing flashbacks reveal that Michael massacred the entire fire department the night he was left to burn in a basement.

 

Halloween Kills is an extremely gory, gratuitously violent outing. In other words, exactly what we’ve come to expect. If you find this appealing, this film’s for you.

 

Halloween Kills (2021) runs 1 hour 45 minutes and is rated R.

 

 

 

  

No Time to Die

We saw the long-awaited James Bond film recently. And not surprisingly, I began this review with the wrong title, not that it matters. The films are formulaic and could easily be titled “James Bond 1, James Bond 2,” in the style of the Fast and Furious enterprise.

 

So, to recap, we now have: Die Another Day, Live and Let Die, No Time to Die and Tomorrow Never Dies

 

and the related: License to Kill and A View to a Kill.

 

Sheesh, has anyone considered making a parody called, “Die, Already?” Well, hold onto that thought. I’ll try hard not to spoil anything.

 

But the title is not the only thing that makes these films memorable. Think back to the music that begins each journey into Bond’s world - shaken, not stirred. Music, after all, rivets Bond films into the soundtrack of their time, with only the hottest current pop stars invited to attend.

 

I believe Paul McCartney’s “Live and Let Die” is the ultimate score. In Paul’s typically schmaltzy, Uncle Albert melodic style, augmented by Sir George Martin’s orchestral genius, it lures you in for a close look at the coming explosion of sound, a wall of pounding chaos best accompanied on stage by fireworks.

 

Shirley Bassey’s “Goldfinger” comes to mind, and Adele’s Oscar winning “Skyfall,” but Madonna is pretty much forgotten for “Die Another Day.”

 

In No Time to Die we have Billy Eilish and brother Finneas co-authoring the title song, performed in her about-to-fall-asleep style, but actually using her pipes in a couple of places and singing more like Carly Simon did in “Nobody Does it Better.” Time will tell whether Billy will be remembered or fade quickly from her minutes of fame in our social media pandemic reality.

 

This is a very long film at almost three hours. In fact, it is the longest Bond film, and it feels like it, but it has enough action, chases, sub plots and betrayals to keep it interesting.

 

Ralph Fiennes is back again in the roll of “M,” casually referred to here by Bond as Mallory. He played Gareth Mallory when Judi Dench was M in Skyfall. Also returning is Ben Whishaw as “Q” (for Quartermaster by the way), with the usual array of gadgets that always seem about to explode when first examined. Q has a secret (to the audience) that is delicately revealed in this appearance. He played an amazing rendition of Uriah Heep in 2019’s The Personal History of David Copperfield.

 

One of the greatest arch-villains in the history of Bond films returns from his last appearance, incarcerated in Silence of the Lambs style, caged and shackled within an ultra-super-max security setting. Ernst Stavro Blofeld has been around for almost sixty years as the head of the evil organization SPECTRE, played by such notables as Donald Pleasance and Telly Savalas. But Christoph Waltz brings his sinister best to this role with his taunting, German accent-laced mind games.

 

For Bond fans who relish seemingly inhuman villains, like “Jaws” in Moonraker, here we have Cyclops. Use your imagination, but his character is the source of the inevitable Bond puns we’ve come to love, but not really expect all that much from Daniel Craig.

 

Locations are stunning, from Italy to Norway, Jamaica to Cuba (faked sets). There are so many bad guys it’s hard to keep track, but ultimately Rami Malek as Lyutsifer Safin takes top honors as a self-proclaimed God who, despite his vast wealth and trendy technology, can’t make it to the dermatologist for a much-needed dermabrasion.

 

There are several strong female co-stars in No Time to Die along with the ever-present Moneypenny. One, an agent (Lashana Lynch as Nomi) under the direction of M, another seemingly ditsy newbie (Ana de Armas as Paloma) with surprisingly refined skills and a dress held in place by superglue, and ultimately a love interest (Lea Seydoux as Madeleine), since at the end of the day this is a love story, as are all Bond films.

 

 

No Time to Die (2021) runs 2 hours, 43 minutes and is rated PG-13.

 

Cry Macho

Last night we saw Clint Eastwood’s final film. Again. I guess if you’re a lifelong Eastwood fan, you’re so enamored of him that you’re willing to overlook much to share a fictional adventure with your favorite guy. I get it. I’d follow 90-year-old William Shatner anywhere in the universe, and some think that’s pretty sad. But if there’s one takeaway from Cry Macho, it’s the wise soliloquy Eastwood delivers to his traveling companion about the pointless nature of being “macho.” This, from one of the most macho guys ever to “make his day” on the silver screen. Cry Macho is not a coming-of-age film, it’s a clash of ages, within the leading man and between costars. Where do you go to see what your future holds?

So, let’s save both of us some time and click here to read my review of 2018’s The Mule. Not much has changed, except Clint’s age. He is now 91, but to his credit, he’s still producing and directing feature films. This is another script written by Nick Schenk, based on a 1975 novel by Richard Nash. Schenk authored The Mule as well, proving that sometimes success is comprised of who you know, not what you know, since he clearly can’t write.

 

Clint is a legendary rodeo star, derailed in his career by a broken back in 1979. His friend and rodeo manager Howard Polk (Dwight Yoakum) props him up through his years of subsequent struggles, until the time comes to call in a favor. He needs Clint to retrieve his now thirteen-year-old son from his Mexican mother’s clutches. The boy has become a pawn in a power struggle between the divorced couple over control of financial assets.

 

It immediately gets confusing, because the film is set in 1979, then fast forwards only one year. Is Clint supposed to be his younger self? He sure doesn’t look it. There are lots of stunt doubles employed in the making of this film. Clint on horseback is approximated at one point by a ground level camera, looking longingly at his shoulder-up profile against the background of a clear blue western sky, bouncing up and down. If I were to guess, they shot this outside a Walmart on a coin-operated pony ride. What? Another quarter? Come on Clint, sit up straight in the saddle!

 

The son, Rafo, played by Eduardo Minett, whose only other acting credits are from two Mexican TV series, tries hard but fails to deliver, carrying around a pet rooster named Macho throughout the film. The cock-fighting little beast eventually becomes Clint’s pet after the bird attacks and disables an incompetent thug who’s been pursuing the boy and old man as they attempt to reach the US border. That’s right, a rooster defeats the bad guys, not Clint. At first glance, Minett appears to be attempting a Spanish accent with lines like, “I hate jooo,” but he seems to be the real deal based on his acting career.

 

Dwight Yoakum, plays Rafo’s estranged father, long divorced from the boy’s lush of a mother, Leta, played by forty-year-old Chilean actress Fernanda Urrejola, the female equivalent of the cliché Mexican drug cartel kingpin character from The Mule. Yoakum wears a ten-gallon hat to cover up his weird, long gray hair, and a bulging duster to cover up his bulky body. Yoakum has quite a musical career, and numerous film credits, but he’s lost his luster. Maybe he and Clint are buddies. Or maybe Yoakum’s appearance here provides additional support for the movie’s theme of what it means to be an aging man.

 

Clint appears to have a thing for Mexican women. He visited Latina prostitutes while south of the border in his last film. This time, the ancient Gringo clearly “still has it,” at least in this script, attracting the attention of Marta, played by Natalia Travern, whose age is guessed to be mid-forties. She is famously protective of that information. But the 45-50-year age gap between Eastwood and his leading ladies is both expected and comical. In a final scene, he and Marta dance closely in her darkening roadside diner, and it looks like she’s holding his skeleton upright. As is usually the case, Clint “gets the girl,” though in reality, he’s now getting the grandmas. At least he keeps his shirt on in this film.

 

As we walked out of the theater, having taken two brief naps, I felt both refreshed and strangely like I had inhabited the mind of a 91-year-old. The plodding pace of the film was a long, slow ride into the sunset by one of the icons of yesteryear. Eastwood never had a lot of range as an actor, he was just reliably Clint for decades. We don’t always get to witness our favorite stars in their later years, they just fade away. To be productive and engaged in a career that he loved up until the bitter end is both a tribute to himself and a gift to his fans. This is where you go to see what your future holds.

 

Cry Macho (2021) runs 1 hour, 44 minutes and is rated PG-13.

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings

Marvel fans are pushing this film to huge box office receipts. I’m not sure it’s deserved. I recommend that you see Iron Man 3 before seeing this movie. There’s a major cameo, more of a supporting role really, that the audience got audibly excited upon reveal. It was lost on me due to my incomplete Marvel viewing history. But now that the Avengers: Endgame wrapped the latest creative phase within the Marvel Cinematic Universe, there’s a need for new heroes, so here we go.

This is the first Marvel Asian superhero, and a wonderful casting opportunity for Asian actors. We’re starting to see lots of crossover among fan favorites like Awkwafina, Michelle Yeoh, and Henry Golding and were certain Golding was in this film, but apparently we are suffering from movie trailer confusion. I was convinced that Benedict Wong from Dr. Strange was among the cast members in Shang-Chi but it was actually Alfred K. Chow. Can you see how I got confused? That’s Wong on the right.  Speaking of Dr. Strange, I’m not a fan of “superheroes” who spend a lifetime mastering mystical arts. The spinning circle of sparks from Strange is used heavily here. It has been argued that Tony Stark is not a legitimate superhero, but he’s so super-intelligent, witty and able to create ad hoc enhancements to his Iron Man suit that I let it slide. 

 

This is a dysfunctional family get together, if you can call ninja attacks to steal family jewels an invitation to Daddy’s house. Daddy is Xu Wenwu (Tony Chiu-Wai Leung,) who happens to be one thousand years old, a brutal Warlord tamed by his love for Xialing, who is played by Meng‘er Zhang. They leave their combative ways behind to raise Shaun (Simu Liu) and Li (Fala Chen), but following Xialing’s death, both kids undergo assassin training to do Daddy’s bidding. Many years later they have gone their separate ways, but reunite to battle dragons and prevent soul-sucking demons from empowering a world-ending “Dweller in Darkness.”

 

I’m not giving much away here. The legends are so complicated that the on-screen action has to stop while things are explained, allegedly for the characters, but mostly for the audience. I guess this is preferable to an eight-hour film that follows the writing adage, “show, don’t tell,” but a more sophisticated script should be able to accomplish this without disrupting the story.

 

I’m also not a fan of dragons, especially the ones that let you ride them. I know, I know…Pandora, Harry Potter, Pete, I’m in the minority here. So let’s talk about Awkwafina instead. She’s great for comic relief, but she crosses the line in Shang-Chi as a suddenly brilliant archer on the battlefield.

 

I’m being way too negative about this movie. The opening martial arts battle on board an articulated bus would be great even if not running without brakes through the streets and hills of San Francisco. Other fights are amazingly choreographed scenes of unarmed weaponry-based Kung Fu. Simu Liu trains extensively in martial arts and stunt work, and it shows.

 

 

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021) runs 2 hours, 12 minutes and is rated PG-13.